Parents of TGD Kids Part 2: Carlie
Can you tell us a little bit about yourself, your background and your family structure?
I am a cis mum living in Sydney with my partner and our two kids, along with our cat and dog. My partner and I have been incredibly fortunate to have both worked part-time and freelance throughout our parenting years which has made it easier to share care and parenting responsibility fairly equally despite the general mum and dad roles.
I have spent my professional life working with kids and their families and nurtured many different hobbies and creative pursuits. I love spending time around the table eating yummy food, having big conversations with some fab tunes in the background.
When did your child come out to you as trans or gender diverse (TGD)?
Our kiddo always demonstrated and lived her gender in a diverse way. At 10 and a half she found the words to define herself as trans, first connecting to a non-male perspective and then closer to a female/non-binary space.
What is the biggest thing you’ve learnt from this experience and from your child?
It is such a privilege to be in the orbit of someone who has the capacity to do the inner work it takes to really question, resolve and then find a voice to tell us who they are, especially in the face of a society telling them they are something different. I have learnt so much about sense-of-self and generosity of spirit from the work my daughter did and continues to do.
In response to the anti-trans rhetoric I have also been connected in advocacy, activism, community building and research. I have had the opportunity to work alongside many incredible smart and engaged people to change laws, processes, and minds, learning so much along the way.
I have also been able to connect with a bunch of other parents in a group PTYE (Parents for Trans Youth Equity). Together we have written submissions, appeared at parliamentary committee hearings, consulted with Government departments and written research papers. I have recently learned how to build a boxing ring on the back of a ute for our Mardi Gras parade entry!
Are there any big hurdles you’ve faced? What were they and how did you overcome them?
The big challenges come from the significant shift that has occurred in this space over the past 6 years. When my kiddo came out we were at a time where things seemed to be doing ok for the community. There had been some wins (particularly related to kids access to medical care) and a general sense that maybe the tide had shifted and trans folk would have the opportunity to thrive.
We are incredibly lucky that we have been able to access and resource care for our kid. This is symptomatic of our colonial and cis privilege and the fact that we have flexible work structures. Supporting a kid with any additional requirements takes time, money and drive. As a result, my partner and I committed to working at creating change where we could with a willingness to use our access to "the table".
Our first "fight" was when Lathem tried to introduce his "parental rights" bill allowing parents to restrict access to parts of the NSW curriculum. We fought this bill by engaging with politicians and appearing at committee hearings. Next was the "Religious Freedoms" debate where my partner and I both took time off work to engage with politicians to explain the impact of this on families like ours. Since then we have worked to fight against the bigotry and lies by talking about our experience and the impact on the lives of kids like ours, all with regular consent check-ins with both our kids.
As a parent, what’s something you wish you’d known before your child came out to you?
I wish I had worked more on my own transphobia prior to her coming out. I wish I was able to face this separately from having a child who was trans. I had known and connected with trans folk before my kiddo came out but I know now that this was always tinged with phobia, or at least difference.
I also wish I knew just how much a gift this has been. My life is so much richer as a result of my kiddo sharing herself with us. I have been able to watch both my kids navigate this shift with such grace and dignity. I can look at them both with a genuine sense of love and pride.
Do you have any favourite stories of conversations with your child about their gender identity or gender expression?
There are so many stories of my adorable little kiddo bucking gender norms as a kid. They are cute and sweet and sit fondly in my heart. More significantly, and currently my faves are her euphoria as she is able to see herself appear more aligned externally to how she feels. Her noting how she is feeling growing into the woman she always knew she was. Ahh, trans joy is a real thing even for this cis lady!
What advice do you have for parents who feel they’ve just jumped in the deep end of navigating your child’s gender exploration / navigating your child coming out as trans/gender diverse?
Stop.
Breathe.
Do the work you need to do away from your child. Your journey is separate from theirs and theirs is the priority right now.
Hold your kiddo.
Surround yourself with people who can support you.
Where you can, discard the things, even temporarily, that are making it tricky
Use chosen names and pronouns even if it feels awkward. It will get easier.
You do not owe explanations and justifications to anyone.
Hug your kiddo.
On the days where you can't quite manage the phone calls to school or Dr's or childcare just don't do it. Love something instead. If it can't be you, love a pet, or a plant or a tv show, whatever. Just love.
Look for books, shows, movies, songs etc that have stories like yours and your kiddos.
Show your kid a pro-trans meme.
Try to find people going through the same thing.
Know that you will sometimes get it wrong and that is ok.
Look for opportunities for repair after ruptures - there will be many.
Love and protect your kiddo so hard you think you are going to explode.
Not everyone who comes out (as TGD / queer) has support at home. Do you have any messages you’d like to give these people?
This is a tough one. It breaks my heart to think there are queer folks out there who aren't loved and accepted by their parents. It also makes me so incredibly cross!
I do want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you. Others' reaction to you and who you are is theirs, not yours. Don't carry it. Instead spend time, if you can, finding folks who can love you.
Each year we march in Mardi Gras under the PTYE (Parents for Trans Youth Equity) banner. I am not a big crowd person and would much rather be at home around a dinner table with close friends but I go because I want that kid at home watching to know that they are loved and we are working to make life better for you. Or that parent watching to see other parents who will fight for their kid if they can't.
The Parents of Trans and Gender Diverse Kids blog series interviews parents/caregivers of trans and gender diverse kids, with the aim of creating connection and advice that can help other parents navigate this with their own child and family.
If you'd like to share your story, please get in touch here.